Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in ngondrogirl's LiveJournal:

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Friday, May 2nd, 2008
9:12 pm	pauvre me i'm having an ugly attack! an "i'm 53 now and i'll never be cute again" ugly attack! i triggered it big time by trying to take self-photos with my digital. i look like a hag! and, officially, i am, i guess! except i still have periods (sorry guys), which is so not fair, to be so over being cute and not over the hormones that make me want to be! (Comment on this)
12:47 am	A Pantoum below this blog is a pantoum, a form poem, which i realize shows a reoccurring theme in my life this past year. the first time a robin, as in the poem, and the second time, more dramatically, an owl (short ear?) hit the roof of a stepvan in front of me on a rural route. i saw a span of wings falling, circling, and then a creature hit the ground. i turned my car around, as it had fallen into the other lane of traffic. i didn't know what to do, but sit in my car and watch it, with my open door between us (window down) so that it didn't feel threatened by me, and chant om mani padme hum. then a guy in a truck came, all radioing in to animal authorities and parking in the road and directing traffic and people going by real slow taking pictures of it with their cellphones and a man walking up with his little girl right up to it ("you might not want to do that; it has talons and it's in shock...") the owl passed out, started to topple over and awoke repeatedly through all this. when its eyes were open, we had the most amazing eye contact. finally the truck guy said he had to go back to work and i said, "i'm staying here 'til someone comes or it flies away. right then, the owl turned, looked around with awareness, and flew up into the top limbs of a tree in a grove with the rising full moon right behind it. okay, here's the pantoum. --- The Bird, My Heart Scrounging for tobacco the thump of a bird hitting the kitchen window startles me awake The thump of the bird echoes my beating heart, startles me awake, but only for an instant. Echoes of my beating heart fly away, stunned, but only for an instant do I forget I need a light Flying away, stunned, the bird, my heart, forgets it was headed for light before it hit the glass. (Comment on this)
Thursday, April 10th, 2008
11:16 am	Owl Dream Remembered dream from this morning: I am riding down a long asphalt throughway, sitting on a skateboard--one of those longboards that all the guys around here have. The road is really wide, going through sort of a downtown area, but way more mellow, and it is all downhill, so that I have pretty good speed. On the sides of the road, I am aware of groups of boys--teens, I guess--watching me, admiringly, I think in the dream, self-consciously aware of my age. Soon the road leaves the town area and curves into a parking lot which is full of cars and trucks and covered with ice and snow. No people are around. I concentrate on turning the board without crashing, carving nicely into the ice (and still self-conscious that I'm being watched, somehow). I make a safe curve and am heading in a new direction, when I see, perched on a truck's side mirror, a white and black owl. Immediately I recognize it as one I encountered this past year in waking life, an owl I think of as "my" owl, because I intervened when it was in danger. My owl flies over towards me, and our eyes meet. I'm still skating along on my board, I guess, at a high speed--but now it just feels like I'm moving without the board--and the owl flies ahead of me, inches from my face. I am so happy, and I can feel the wind and the cold air, and the connection with the owl. This goes on for a while, then she flies away. Next I am without the owl, without the board, back in a frozen parking lot, and walking towards a town. I have an appointment with my therapist, Robin. I meet two friends (who?), and we walk together. I point out that I've forgotten my shoes somehow, and here I am barefoot in the snow. We eventually reach the town, and I know, still, that I have to find Robin and make my appointment. There ae various scenes in which I'm trying to contact her. In one, I'm in an office, trying to call her on my cell, but the phone keeps shape-shifting and I don't understand the functions. Someone, a man, tries to help me (I remember his wife is there, too), but I can't get through. In another scene I am walking up ramps and stairs with a lot of people, and can see that her office is just a couple of blocks away, but I can't get there from where I am. I briefly consider going over the railings, but it doesn't look safe. In another scene I am on a trolley, going right past the building I need, but the trolley won't stop. I wait until it slows down for traffic, and then jump off, even though we're still moving pretty fast, still I'm barefoot, but I land safely. In another scene, I'm saying goodbye to two people I've been hanging out with, a man (in real life he's a coffee shop owner, very cute) and a young woman who is with him. We are all sitting on the sidewalk, next to a sort of open air train station or something, and I sit on his lap, yab-yum style and we hug goodbye. I realize I might not have a shirt on. The hug is really, really warm and nice. Then I hug the girl sideways, and say goodbye. As I'm leaving, she calls out to me, "I love you!" I blow her a kiss, and then tell her I love her, at her insistence. Current Mood: okay (Comment on this)
11:02 am	Writer's Block: Spilling Secrets Well, if I talked about it here, that would just make it worse, right? My partner says I should just tell people up front, "I'm not a good person to tell something that you don't want anyone else to know." I told him, it doesn't work like that. People tend to tell me all their stuff, and THEN say, don't tell anyone. Certain kinds of things I have no trouble not spreading like a sexually transmitted disease, and others I can't seem to contain. I think it's because stories are very important to my sense of the world, and I'm often sharing someone's most important details--name excluded--in the context of processing with another (almost always female) friend. We thrive on these details, these stories; we learn from them. That said, I wish I could've kept my big mouth shut in Florida: NOT told B. that M. didn't want her in every stinkin' family picture because she didn't consider her to be her sister (she's not, actually), and even though M. isn't sorry that she told me the history between the disconnect between the K. girls and the S. boys (because ultimately, I told B. in trying to heal the rift between us, some of what M. told me), I'm kind of sorry she told me. Because now I know some truths that are hard, and affect me. (Comment on this)
12:09 am	New Year return hello y'all, as i mentioned in my ngondro group post, it's my bday friday, and so it's a new year for me. armed with new technology--a new laptop and clearwire--i will actually be able to post without crashing aborting all attempts. so here i am, sporting the coin of hope and fear as i end one year on the planet and begin another. my intentions, i pray, can be matched by true motivation fired by devotion for the Guru, Buddha, Dharma, Sangha. if i'm going to quit smoking before my birthday, then this is it: i have on ciggie left, then if i begin again as a nonsmoker tomorrow (today, actually, after i go to bed and wake up in the a.m.) then i will have a day under my belt for my bday. practice prozzies, not puffing! what a concept! well, let me know how you're all doin'. i looked at your recent posts, and you're all as cute as ever. love, ngondrogirl Current Mood: anxious (Comment on this)
Saturday, October 6th, 2007
4:06 pm	a nudge to wake me up? hi perruche verte and friends, perruche sent me a nudge. 34 weeks since my last post? mais no! (uh...oui...) i am still on the planet, STILL trying to figure out how to have a daily practice, STILL working on refuge. i <3 Dzongsar Khyentse Rinpoche. he is such a profound and beautiful teacher. i had the bliss of hearing him teach Uttaratantra in vancouver, b.c. for 9 days in august. my friend and i were going to drive from there--road trip!--to hear him teach in the redwoods north of san francisco after that, but that teaching was cancelled due to the imminent death of an important teacher and friend of his; he had to go directly to india after the van teaching. however, i get to go to his land center near whistler in november for a retreat (not with him, but with a senior student, Luc). i love being on that land; it's always a teaching, too, it seems. things are going well in the gray north wet. i had a very padma-neurosis sort of summer (see "journey without goal," chapter on the 5 buddha families, by Chogyam Trungpa), but fall is quelling the fire or something! back to psychotherapy, back to practice, back to work etc.! (i had the whole summer off, and though i tend to think i'm going to be so creative and productive, i tend to be a slug.) thanks for remembering me, perruche; i'll peruse my friends' pages and see what's up and try to post sooner than 34 weeks from now! --ngondrogirl Current Mood: thankful (Comment on this)
Tuesday, August 29th, 2006
9:55 pm	how do you change the title of your journal? it's not that i'm never going to finish my 108,000 prostrations; it's just that i don't want to count out loud anymore :-) maybe i'll get inspired to write about something else. Current Mood: curious Current Music: wind in late-summer trees (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Saturday, May 27th, 2006
11:34 am	Heart Sutra dance version http://www.lotsawahouse.org/id111.html go to this link to download an mp3 of a "dance version" of the Heart Sutra hey, whatever kickstarts our practice in the morning (or evening...)! (Comment on this)
Tuesday, January 31st, 2006
9:25 am	deer park gathering i love this forum for Buddhist discussion, set up by my teacher, Dzongsar Khyentse Rinpoche: www.deerparkgathering.org been reading and posting there more than blogging! but i still stop in to read my friends' pages. bodhichitta! (Comment on this)
Sunday, January 22nd, 2006
10:34 pm	ngondro practice intensive if anyone is interested in hearing about a summer Longchen Nyigthik Practice intensive in British Columbia (near Vancouver, B.C.) at Sea to Sky Retreat Center, let me know and I'll forward you the information. It is put on by Siddhartha's Intent, one of my teacher's organizations; their website is www.siddharthasintent.org (the information is probably posted there by now, too). Current Mood: happy (Comment on this)
Saturday, January 7th, 2006
6:21 pm	womanflight blog womanflight blog I had a blog on a site called womanflight, and though I didn't write much, the entries were trying to be practice related....Before I saw Dzongsar Khyentse Rinpoche's "Calling the Guru from Afar" teaching (in Vancouver, 2005), I did a search with that title, and one of the first hits i got was of my own blog entries. I have to remember, with Guru Yoga, the path is not all about me. It's all about the Guru (says he). I will post the entries below by their subject titles, and leave their dates in the text. Therefore, this is a long post, but interesting (to me :-) The topics are: -ego inc. -calling the Guru from afar -habitual patterns -on second thought... -offering bad habits bad?! ----- July 13, 2003 ego, inc. sometime before i was able to hear teachings from my guru in june, i had this dream: i am wandering around a large, bright red wooden building--it is extensive, but flattish, like a series of connected farm outbuildings. it's a sunny day, and this seems to be in the country. i stop to read a sign on a double door; it says "ego, inc." in the dream i'm wondering about its meaning (and writing this, i realize that i can rarely actually read any printed words in my dreams, making this dream unique). then i walk up closer to this bright red building, and realize that this newly painted look is deceiving, because it has been painted right over weathered, dirty wood without any preparation. so what could this possibly have to do with me and my relationship to tibetan buddhism, to my guru? i feel that the bright red paint is like the brialliance of the tibetan tradition. while the building obviously represents my ego. unfortunately, my ego is extensive, and the bright red paint may deceive some, but certainly not the mind of the guru. basically, i feel deflated after returning from two separate teachings, one on manjushri in vancouver, and one on madhyamikan philosophy in s.f. the teachings were actually excellent, and being around the guru was powerful, but he refused to feed my ego even a smidgen. in a brief interview (last year i thought my interview was fast, but compared to this one, it was long and luxurious), i felt he called me on my shit, when i didn't even know i had displayed it. it's not that he did not provide me with anything to work with--he certainly did that--but once i returned home, i began feeling disappointed, pissed-off, discouraged, wanting to give up on pursuing ngondro. i'm feeling these things towards myself, towards my guru, towards everyone in my life, it seems! i'm feeling so, so stuck with myself. that's a funny way to put it, since, in a way, of course, i am. i also feel parts of my childhood patterns coming up in front of my face like they've broken off and floated right to the surface. i actually had the thought today, "you will pay for not noticing me," a verbalized thought of a feeling i had towards my parents as a teenager (oh, and i followed through, without knowing that was what i was doing. . .). i also remember that, before the teachings, i was having a conversation with my partner of 16 years, and i said, "i don't need a father figure telling me what to do!" i immediately thought of my guru, even before i thought of my own father, who prided himself on never telling me what to do (ever, not even any helpful advice). i don't know about you, but insights tend to come to me in the framework of time before and after teachings, teachings within a container of time and place surrounding the center of meeting with the guru. obviously, i'm projecting onto him. that's what everyone says i'll do, that's what everyone does, etc., but i didn't expect to feel pissed off! pissed off and sad. i don't want a guru who is like my father. my father was (is) a wounded man who never offered me any warmth or involvement until i didn't particularly want it and was unable to receive it. he didn't offer to teach me anything, couldn't express his feelings, and rarely gave me any attention. i don't feel bitterness towards him now, but i certainly don't want to recreate this relationship based on that dysfunctional one. and even if i did want to, for some strange reason, that is not what this kind of relationship is about! and, on another note, how am i supposed to be able to have a student-guru relationship with a teacher who is in this part of the world once a year?? and then is swamped with people wanting to be near him, talk with him, and i am certainly not, and would likely never be, in the inner circle of people with access to him. so what is my point? i guess my point is, and i'm sure i'll find the answer, once i open my mind and some dharma writing, what is the point of the guru-student relationship for me, now, in this life, this situation--a westerner who is a big old crumbly barn of ego painted bright red??? ----- May 26, 2003 Calling the Guru from Afar As the time comes nearer when my teacher will be here on the West Coast, I am ever more aware of my connection with him, and also more aware of both my shortcomings (my human-ness) and my sincerity in seeing him as "the real thing." How do I explain this to anyone not on this path? I guess, for the most part, I don't. Or, I say just enough to give someone truly interested a sense of what this connection means to me: connection to a living lineage, connection to a person walking the planet who represents enlightenment to me (teacher as Buddha), connection to one who commits his own karma to all sentient beings. But I have found some people are very suspicious of this way of thinking. It is not part of our culture, except in odd instances: think "cults." And many of us are well aware of the history of abuse that cult leaders have left here in the west. My own mother even considered the Ba'hai religion as a cult, and I remember her crying when I went to one of their meetings. (Well, she didn't need to worry; when I found out the religion disallowed women at the top of their hierarchy, I was no longer interested in their belief system.) So here I am, deeply drawn to practice in another tradition (granted, this is after 30 years of searching) that has a male-dominated hierarchy--in which my teacher, I understand, figures importantly. But I gave up, during this journey, my need to make this connection fit my "standards," because my teacher--as an embodiment of this lineage--is not bound by those dualistic notions. Ahhhh. Refreshing. But to explain my connection to the Guru . . . maybe it can only be seen as transferrence (think Jung), a "cult of personality" (think Osho?--btw, I still wonder why he checked out all the Osho books a few years ago, must ask him some time--or Adi Da?), or even as montheistic (think Jesus :-) unless the person to whom I'm explaining has a Buddhist philosophical basis for looking at the phenomenon of student/Guru relationship in the first place. Also, I always need to examine my motive for wanting to talk about this relationship, or not talk about it. If my motivation is to bring someone to the path of Buddhism, and I think my talking about it could encourage, that is one thing. If I'm just all caught up in the "high" of it, and want to talk about him to anyone who will listen, then I am just promoting misperception, I suppose, and should keep my mouth shut. (Quite the challenge for me! :-P ) Well, I am forced to go read 5 more students' English 102 essays, and then I hope to have energy left to practice. Three weeks, and my teacher comes to Vancouver, then on to San Francisco; I am able to go to both teachings, thanks to his and others' kindness and devotion! Bodhichitta! ----- April 13, 2003 habitual patterns Let me just advise you. If you are trying to step onto the vajrayana path, don't go offering things up to your guru thinking that you can just do so, in the moment, and things will magically become easier in that realm. Okay, to get specific, I thought that if I "offered" my smoking habit (of herb, not tobacco), to my teacher, it would be like giving it away and would motivate me to let go of it. Well, this might be true if I'd had a really pure intention in the first place, but I think that maybe I wanted someone outside of myself to take the issue away. Of course, that is not how things work on this path. Instead, I feel like the whole issue has gotten more heavy, and that I'm more conflicted and stuck than ever! I will tell you a story about this: During the same week that I made this symbolic gesture, after some teachings in San Francisco ended, I returned to my hostel to see two men leaning on the wall, chatting. One of them looked remarkably like one of my teachers's contemporaries (also a Nyingma teacher) in facial features, skin tone, body type, even walking with a cane as he does. I stopped to tell the young man this, and we ended up chatting quite a bit, and he ended up offering me a pipe. I thought to myself, I was not expecting to be tested quite so soon! I obviously had not brought any smoke to a teaching, as it would be at odds, and, as I don't live in S.F., but in Washington state, did not expect to run into anyone I knew who might tempt me. "Oh well," I figured, "I offered up my habit; this is not my normal habit, because this is celebrating!" In other words, since I was out of my normal context, I rationalized, wouldn't normally be in such a situation, it did not represent my habit. Funny how quick I am to rationalize! I have not successfully given it up, and now I just feel worse about it. My therapist says, that by offering something like that, it is like making a vow to myself, and therefore when I break it, I am ignoring my own view that it is clouding my mind. I think, on this path, that that is even more true: if I am to see my teacher as a buddha, and am also working to liberate the buddha in me, then there is no way of fooling anyone!! Now I will be seeing my teacher in a few short months. I feel like a "bad buddhist," much in the way I used to feel like a "bad baptist" in my youth. I must figure out a way to cut through all this and gain a little clarity before I see him. Obviously I know the way: practice. I am such a mule!!! ----- May 05, 2003 on second thought this is regarding offering a habit of mine to my guru. on second thought, maybe what i should be doing is really praying to the guru about this, rather than thinking that i am going to be able to do anything about it. i think i resist this notion due to it evoking a similar thinking learned in my southern baptist upbringing. yes, believe it or not. sometimes i like to think of myself as a baptist buddhist. the biggest problem of having had the baptist influence is the habitual tendency to divide things so readily--good, bad; should, shouldn't; productive, lazy; my will, His will; etc. but i am supposed to pray to the guru, now, right? i don't think i'm saying anything i should not say in a public post, but i guess that could look weird to, say, a zen buddhist. however, in pureland buddhism, there is the concept of "other power," and you basically ask amitabha buddha to take your suffering, and *that* really sounds baptist to me! the thing is, i didn't ask my teacher in a private setting, "hey, will you help me with this; what should i do?" i just gave him a little symbol of my habit and said, "i'm offering you this habit," and he made a joke and said, "i wish you would have brought me the real thing." now that i think of it, i can look at that comment in a different way: maybe i wasn't really giving it up right then, not really. obviously i wasn't, or i wouldn't have struggled with it so much this past year. so how do i offer, or give away "the real thing?" right now i'm succeeding, and my exhaustion, without the smoke veil, reveals itself as something else. (i have chronic health issues.) there's no blaming myself for my fatigue and pain when i'm not caught up in my habit. there's just a suffering that i have been living with for about 15 years. what are the layers? i think that praying to the guru is good; what, though, do i pray? maybe reading the poem "calling to the guru from afar" is enough. cheers, friends—lakini ----- May 25, 2003 offering bad habits bad! thanks for the post, tom, because now i see i made a big boo-boo! i offered up something that i was seeing as a bad habit! when he said he "wanted the real thing," maybe it also meant something like: why offer a bad thing to your teacher? after all, we offer flowers, perfume, incense, food, water for cleansing, etc.--why would i offer my bad habit? it would be better to offer a beautiful red-haired bud of the real thing, because i valued it and saw it as a beautiful offering, than it would be to say here, take my nasty habit that's causing me suffering! no, tom, it wasn't something that anyone thought was a good idea; i'm just always acting from my own ignorance, and i have a kind teacher who doesn't tell me i'm doing things all wrong! he just lets me figure it out for myself (so far). i'm really tired tonight, but need to post here some more: i'm going to see my teacher in june!! i hope (nothing's for certain).--lakini Comments from "Tom" I don't think it was too big of a boo-boo. If it was something that your teacher thought he needed to talk to you about, I'm sure he would have. If you're at all like me, you probably put (unconsciously) many of the Western notions of "this is bad" and "this is good" on things and then translate that into "I do this, so I must be bad" or "I do that, so I must be good". I think I read that you smoke in order to ease your physical pain, so it's not totally bad. I like the idea of offering a "bad" habit to try and get rid of it, so I wasn't criticizing that. I'd just never heard of doing so. Comment from Kate: I don't think it was wrong at all to offer your habit! In our lineage, we traditionally offer our "desire, hate, and delusions"--because at root, they're of the same pure nature as our virtues, and the guru can transform the offering appropriately. Thus, nothing is "lost." Please write more about your relationship with your guru. I would like to read it. (Comment on this)
Monday, December 26th, 2005
10:09 pm	the end of a year one thing about practicing tibetan buddhism is that you get an extra new year! this year's "losar" happens at the end of february, so i can set my practice goals by that calendar, rather than the "regular" one. it's a good thing, because i have been a practice slug! i did a one-week shambhala retreat right after the school quarter ended (turned grades in on a friday, left on a saturday). i got some practice in, but mostly it seems my neuroses and my fibromyalgia just flared :-) i promptly found smoking buddies and smoked like a fiend at every break. funny. then on the day we left i quit, and i've been smoke-free for a week. i really felt neurotic upon leaving and coming home--like all the shambhala chants, my interviews with my m.i., and my own preoccupations conspired to make me say, "how did i end up 'here'?" will i ever be able to finish part one of the preliminary practices--prozzies and refuge--and if so, will i even grok the following practices? my m.i. was asking me questions that should be answerable on a normal, thoughtful day, but after sitting and prozzies my brain felt so feeble and incapable of giving a functional, somewhat correct answer, so i would just look at him and say, "do you have to ask me these questions?" now i am back, and the contact of my practice buddy makes the idea of just bagging it forever seem unreal. more than that, thinking of my teacher and putting the emphasis on my connection with him puts me in the mind of continuing on. i need to remain open to what changes may come about in my life from continuing, rather than quitting; from staying, rather than running away. a new quarter starts next week. i will have a lot of planning and prepping to do. i'm not really ready...but hopefully, i will be by then. number 1 on the list: decide when i will practice within my new schedule. Current Mood: groggy Current Music: wind chimes outside (Comment on this)
Thursday, November 10th, 2005
8:05 pm	bardo of becoming hey all, i just typed in "b" in the subject line, and this subject appeared in the drop-down box. sounds good to me! i am in the bardo of becoming...either an ex-ex-smoker (e.g., a smoker) or a recovering ex-smoker. i have had a very stressful quarter--relationship dissatisfaction, overload at work to make money to alleviate the money stress somewhat--and i picked up tobacco. omigoddess! i can't believe how quickly the little demon addict in me grew from an almost dormant seedling into its fanged self. this is very distressing, obviously, and again obviously, did nothing for the other stresses except, basically, add to them all. well, it does help with the school stress in a weird way, because when i'm in my office i will simply leave and walk around outdoors to smoke, and that has a pleasant effect--the walking away from my desk. also, the nicotine focuses me strangely. but, in all, this is disturbing my vitality, my equilibrium, and my day-to-day existence. yet i am strangely hooked into it. coming here for a moment has reminded me of what i could be doing instead, turning my mind to the dharma. of course, i know this at every step, but it is so hard to turn the little addict demon's mind that way! she just wants to be left alone, and wants to smoke and smoke and smoke! she doesn't care what anyone thinks about it, but hides to do it anyway. (smoking and socializing is not my scene; hiding out and smoking fits my modus operandi much better.) so now it's been about a month, maybe, that i've been raising my tolerance for tobacco. i want to let it go, but it's almost like i wake up with someone different than i'm used to sharing my body! like i wake up to face the day, and SHE wakes up feeling much fiestier and stronger than i do, and tells me what to do! (go roll ciggy. smoke ciggy. ahhhh. when can i have another?) i try throwing away the tobacco, and later in the day, there she is. (go buy tobacco. roll a ciggy. smoke a ciggy. ahhhh. aren't you glad there's more now?) i am thoroughly disgusted with myself, and i simultaneously know that's not helpful. tomorrow i get my teeth cleaned, and in the afternoon i meet with my practice buddy. maybe after i get my teeth cleaned i can just come home and go to bed and sleep off some of the withdrawal. then i'll go practice, and if i need to, i can sleep much of the weekend. i have school papers to read and comment on--but they are a variety from 3 different classes: poems, story ideas, short papers on literary criticism, and some composition essays. i can space them out since we have friday and monday off for veterans' day weekend. any helpful suggestions greatly appreciated. prozzy on! ngondrogirl Current Mood: disappointed (Comment on this)
Saturday, September 3rd, 2005
9:37 am	illusory time has passed wow, where have i been? last i wrote here was june. july 8th i headed across the state (washington) with my youngest son, miah, and my partner, jim, to celebrate my older son's 30th birthday--a momentous occasion, as he was diagnosed with HIV at age 11 (and still has no full-blown AIDS). from there i took off on an amtrak trip, during which i circumambulated the states, in order to meet members of my birthson's adoptive family in north carolina. (he died in 1992, the year i began a search for him; i didn't find out until 1998. i'm writing memoir on this and related parts of my life.) i also visited his adoptive parents' grave site in san antonio, texas, and visited my family in fort worth. one-night stays along the way were washington d.c., new orleans, and los angeles. when i returned, my teacher, Dzongsar Khyentse Rinpoche, was giving brief teachiings and an empowerment in vancouver, b.c., so old friend laura and new friend chessie bird and i drove up from bellingham each day to attend. while others thought we were nutty to drive back and forth, with the three of us in my geo (jo, the peacock dakini :-) it had elements of a fabulous road trip. Rinpoche gave a basic Buddhist intro, with meditation instruction (seemingly rare for him); an empowerment--oops, what was that name? ;-) gotta look it up; and taught on the Bardos. shortly after that weekend, i left for a program, also taught by Rinpoche, in san francisco, the third yearly gathering of Madhyamikan Philosophy study; it was planned to last 9 days, but completed a day early. in the mornings i listened to Rinpoche, took notes, and chatted with madhyamika friends during breaks; in the afternoon i mostly skipped the study sessions, finding them to be overload after the intense concentration needed in the morning, and/or going against my basic learning style...mostly wanted to wander in the afternoon. i joined friends for meals, for a public talk by Rinpoche (during which i realized the power of the students in making the teacher), and for fabulous s.f. thrift store shopping. (they have the *best* goodwill stores!) i was lucky to stay at my friend joan's house, courtesy of her tenant jim, whose teacher is Namkhai Norbu (joan's teacher, too, though she says she's definitely "having an affair" with DKR, too). this meant that i could actually attend, as i had already basically spent my money on my other trip. the course itself was free to those who had attended the first two years. so now it's back: to home, to preparing for the new school year, to this particular, ever-changing illusion i refer to as my day-to-day "reality." i found myself just looking for some habits to numb myself with a little, so fresh and raw from seeing my teacher. so funny! why pick numb over fresh and raw?! i'm looking forward to easing back into practice. (i did practice some during my journeys, but the home consistency is what the "doctor" ordered.) bohichitta! may all beings have shelter, nourishment, and the causes of happiness. may they be free from suffering and the root of suffering. may they not be separated from the great joy empty of suffering. may they dwell in the great equanimity free of grasping, aggression, and ignorance. love, ngondrogirl Current Mood: content (Comment on this)
Tuesday, June 7th, 2005
12:42 am	why am i doing this? i am beyond the point of trying to figure out, logically, why i would undertake the preliminary practices. i am only approaching 1/3 of the repetitions for the refuge part of my practice, and i first decided to definitely undertake the ngondro three years ago. i hope to finish the other 2/3 in 2/3 of the amount of time as i've taken for the first 1/3! that's convoluted to think about...and that's why it's better not to start thinking about it. (if i can do that, i will be done with prostrations when i am 52, karma willing.) i did two days in a row with a short, intense (for my body) practice session, then missed two days, and now my body feels like someone twisted it. well, someone did, i suppose--i did! how quickly i crash off the practice highs; how quickly i'm back in the earthbound nonreality. for all sentient beings i prostrate. with all sentient beings i prostrate. with the guru and consort in front of me, i prostrate. i don't try to justify why this particular practice, anymore. JUST DO THE NGONDRO! Current Mood: sleepy (Comment on this)
Tuesday, May 31st, 2005
11:06 pm	grok well, i am only titling this entry grok because i started to type something with a g in the subject line and 3 completion suggestions popped up: guru dream, groovy, and grok. so who's the worse hippie, me or perruche verte? these 3 things caused me to forget what i was going to actually write in the subject line, alas. so grok it is. some time ago one of my teachers told me that, because my practice is motivated by devotion, at some point i would just "take off" in my refuge practice, and i would never have the same obstacles again. i tend to take a lot of what this teacher says to heart, and so i keep waiting for that to happen. sometimes, like yesterday, i do feel that when i'm practicing--like i could prostrate to the moon, just give me the time. trouble is, the next day i find i'm a little foggy of the brain and sore of the shoulders, and oh yeah, i have a job i have to go to and then work to bring home with me, and there goes my energy to practice. actually, p.v.'s question about opening and closing the shrine--such a simple, sincere question--reminded me of my goal to have some kind of morning practice (prozzies usually being an afternoon thing for me), and so i have been managing to have a very simple morning practice that is growing on me: make a tea offering, chant the heart sutra, sit, maybe do a few prozzies. i'm so looking forward to summer! (though i realize the irony of that...of any looking forward!) but i am dreaming of more time to practice, and there's a possibility of travel and no work, or of a little work and a little travel, and summer is the time to see my root teacher--in vancouver, b.c. and in s.f. the piles of papers to read and grade for this quarter are still to come, though!! prozzies so far: 26850 (oh damn, i was going to do 150 today to turn the odometer to 27000 by june; oh well, maybe tomorrow?!) possibly overambitious goal for summer: 40,000 by mid-august, when i see my root teacher Current Mood: working (Comment on this)
Saturday, May 14th, 2005
1:58 pm	long time no see i haven't journaled here in a long time. i find that it's not as relaxing to journal now that my partner is not travelling; the way my 'puter is set up, it feels like he's looking over my shoulder, even though he's not, really. so i need to get a wireless card, and then i can move around. (we live together in a 550-sq-ft cabin of a house.) i'm waiting for my buddy to show up so we can drive up to vancouver, b.c. together. she's never on time. it's okay. a little bit ago i got pissed at my neighbor, whom i don't even know, really--and it was practically right after i practiced! i was giving someone in a car directions to the highway, and she was on her porch, and after i was all done giving directions, she said, "do they want directions to the highway? it would be a lot easier if you just told them to go (blah blah, another way). i said, "i just gave them directions," then i tried to tell them a different way, but got all confused, and said, "why don't you just go the way i told you the first time, it'll be fine." in the meantime, my dog got away, and of course the neighbor lady didn't watch and notice which way the dog went, then the dog didn't come when i called, and i was all (to myself), "that was SO not helpful. now my dog is gone." and when i found her she was eating some crap in the same neighbor's side yard, and i was scolding her and wopping her on the nose with the end of the leash (because she was a bad doggy, and i was not hurting her) and the neighbor started to scold me! i said, "are you talking to me???" of course, she didn't answer. wow, my mind is obviously not calm, cool and collected!! oh well, i am still practicing, slowly, slowly. need to adopt a daily practice, still way spotty, but usually 3-4 days a week of prozzies and a lot of "mindfulness" practice, LOL! my friend is "on her way," guess i'll finish getting ready. cheers!--d Current Mood: annoyed (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, April 27th, 2005
11:16 pm	Guru dream what i rememember of a Guru dream from last night-- i was in a crowded place (often the case when i have a dream with him in it) and i saw him sort of backing into the front of this big room in some cartlike thing--it looked wheelbarrowish, actually. i think he might have been smiling. next he was facing me, still lifted up, and with that look--that stern look (Vajra master?) and he motioned for me to come here. later in the dream, i'm just in the crowd again, waiting for him to speak, and also i'm at his retreat center in b.c., and the director is telling me there is plenty of work to do. i realize, sort of, within the dream, that he is still doing a closed retreat there, and wonder what the hell i'm doing there, so i'm asking her (the director) "is this a retreat or something?" things are going okay for me...finally making peace with the fact that it is very difficult for me to actually do my practice on a daily basis, and that i can do twice as much on the days that i do practice, for as long as that is what i need to do. things will shift, in time. i'm lucky that i can do what i am doing at all. Current Mood: contemplative (Comment on this)
Wednesday, April 20th, 2005
12:06 am	still here wo, i'm still here, planet earth. i am "trying" to figure out how to have a daily prozzie practice that fits into my life. it is really tough. i do my prozzies down the hill, in a space we call our "writing studio;" i admit, i have not written much there, but i have practiced meditation there, if not consistently, then at least ongoingly. our house is too small, and though i will someday have a space where i can do prozzies (after our front room is converted from mud room pileup to feng-shuied zen prozzy space), right now it's either at our buddha hall downtown or, like i said, down the hill. since i don't have to "show up" at my job til afternoon, one would think i could go down the hill and practice each morning. yet my mornings consistent of: fight the fatigue til i can crawl out of bed around 8:00-8:30 (not a morning person, and have various health issues--let's just call 'em "ripening karma," shall we? ;-); remember i'm in a precious human body either while on the john or while standing in front of stove starting my tea, make and drink chai latte, jump into planning or reading for class and/or surf news and check e-mail [note to self: this time could be shifted to dharma, even if only being mindful while drinking my chai!]; walk the dog around the neighborhood; make lunch and run off to work where i do more planning, reading of student work or things i've assigned them to read. there MUST be some time before i find myself at work--i only need an hour--to do 100 prozzies in my studio. after work, around 5:30, i'm so beat and am thinking about the lonely old dog, so come right home, but there's always down time, and i could fit in 50 more... what are my obstacles??? Current Mood: groggy (Comment on this)
Wednesday, April 13th, 2005
11:46 pm	question some time ago, in "free will astrology," he said something to the effect of: in every religious tradition, there is the ritual of bowing or prostrating. write to me and tell me why, and don't tell me it's because you are humbling yourself. well, i never wrote and i never asked what he thought, but, what do you guys think? i have my own idea, but i will withhold until i hear your views. Current Mood: curious (Comment on this)